Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
Randomize
