I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
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