Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
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