Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Randomize
