Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
apparently the secret to your success is patron
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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