I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
