I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
After last night, I could never be a politician.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Randomize
