I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
Randomize
