im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
birth control should be required to get into college
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
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