I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
The feeling are messing with the penis
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
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