Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
His hands were made for my vagina.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Randomize
