i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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