This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Randomize