So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
Randomize