I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
Randomize
