meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
everyone made a circle around them and startd chanting fight fight. they wernt fighting, they were dry humping
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
You dont lie about slip and slides
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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