Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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