Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
