I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
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