My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
