I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
Randomize
