GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
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