i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
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