he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
How much explanation does bbqsexapalooza need?
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
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