You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
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