That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
Randomize
