allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
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