I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Randomize
