Tell her she can't have a vagina
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
I got inside last night via doggy door
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
Randomize
