Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
Randomize
