Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
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