You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
ok first of all what the fuck
Randomize
