id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
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