Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
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