Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
