ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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