dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
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