shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
Randomize
