Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
Randomize
