The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
