just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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