I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
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