Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
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