hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
Randomize
