I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
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