Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
