Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
did i just pee glitter
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
