I think my fart just growled at me.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
