He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
I checked into jail on foursquare
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Randomize
