so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
He probably put up nude pics. He seems like that kind of guy.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
So. Much. Porn.
Randomize
