if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
We didn't go..parents came home with patron wanting to play drinking games --we asked no questions
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Randomize
