Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
Randomize
