I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize