Non-Jews are for practice
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Randomize
