If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Randomize
