i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
