i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
I think weed is turning my hair brown
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
