Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
Randomize
