They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
