we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Randomize
