apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
...so how do you feel about living with a lesbian next year?
hhaha i just laughed out loud when i read that
is that a "i laughed because im fine with it" or "im a republican" ?
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
Randomize
